As I awakened in El Nido, opened my eyes and noticed the air-con was not working as good as it could be. I looked at my uncle and Candice Swanepoel was levitating cross legged above his sleeping body.
I must be dreaming I thought and woke up for real, dripping sweat from my face. “What’s on the itinerary today” I said to myself. Next Phreddy Krewger came flying out of the mirror on the wall with a loud “rrraaaaaaaRer,” waving his glove lives twiddling his toes.
So the Bacuit Bay, I’ve wanted to come here ever since I learned how to choke the chicken. Ahh maybe not quite that long, the ghost of Charlie Chaplin. He comes sauntering down the street, I pause to make certain I’m not imagining any of this. Charlie waves over a tricycle gets on and heads off. Las Cabanas he shouts over to me, wow. If my dad could see me rubbing shoulders with Hollywood’s elite.
It does begin again, to dawn on me, that El Nido; is actually haunted. What would Marshal Mathers do if he was me right now? Maybe I’ll bump into him at breakfast. Talking of food, you must sample the grilled squid.
Anyway I see Bob Marley at the next table and I realise. This whole dead rock star thing is a conspiracy. They are all alive and living secret lives in places like Palawan. Hendrix, Morrison, Tupac, all alive; pretending to be dead. They often wear disguises like false beards.
Wow by now the coconut rum is really getting to me.
Next I looked around and I was on Helicopter island and I could hear beautiful music. Sweet singing, shit who was it, Lana Del Rey? Taylor Swift? It would just make my day to get a private performance, from either of the two; out here in Palawan.
‘What are these delusions I’m experiencing here in the Philippines’ I thought as I stood up. SHiiiiit as I looked down I saw, I was as tall as the empire state building in New York. Wow wow then snapped back to normal size again like an elastic band SNAP.
Lucky it didn’t cause a tsunami, as I heard Jimi Hendrix foxy lady come on at full blast, out of the loud speaker. Then I thought ‘Hey there’s no loud speakers here on Helicopter Island.’ Tour A B C or D, which am I on? I heard that spooky ghost from ‘The Shining,’ Delbert Grady say softly something racist. As I stepped backwards and there he was, dressed as a waiter looking me dead in the eye.
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